Marriage is so weird sometimes. There are those couples that you look at and wonder, "How in the heck do they hold it together? They clearly don't like each other one bit." There are the other couples who seem perfectly content and shock the heck out of you when you hear they're splitting up. I've got some friends of both kinds. Being one of the couples that seemed perfectly happy and who then separated for a while, I know we caused some confusion, curiosity, questions, plenty murmurs of gossip. Probably some more of the same when our "trial separation" ended in a reconciliation, which according to our therapist never happens. (I asked him why they call it a "trail" then, and he said to make everyone feel better about not giving up too soon. How sad.)
So, I often wonder what it is that keeps those couples who I think should be teetering on the brink of divorce together, and what keeps those who suffer pain, or just indifference or frustration or loneliness, in secret from throwing in the matrimonial towel. Of course, there's the kids. Some of us have school age kids now, but a whole load of our friends are still on the exhausted, confused, never-ending, no light/only tunnel baby-toddler train. While you are amazed every single day that your heart can feel such love for these tiny beings that didn't even exist a couple years ago, you also wonder if you can really live your whole life like this--no sleep, no free time, no relaxing, no sex, no meaningful conversation, no intimacy with your spouse. Was that just me? Well, it might not have been you, but I know it wasn't just me. There's a whole bunch of us out there.
So, some of it is the kids. Some people stay together for the kids, to give them the image we have in our head of a family, but also because if parenting with a partner so hard, we wonder how could we possibly do it on our own. But it's not just the kids. Some stay together out of our fear of failing. How could I tell my friends and my parents and my children that I have failed at this most basic, most important role of adulthood? Some stay because the thought of being alone is even worse than the thought of being how we are even if that isn't very good. Some stay because two households are more expensive than one, not to mention lawyers and child support and such.
I think many of us stay simply out of commitment. And I don't just mean the vows we said--we promised to always stay together no matter what, and that's what we're going to do even if we're miserable doing it. No, that's not what I'm talking about. Commitment to me means making choices every day to love each other and move toward one another instead of away.
It's the way, when I am feeling completely unlovable and uninterested in talking, touching or being near anyone, my husband says the goofiest thing he can think of to make me smile anyway.
It's the way, when even that doesn't work, he takes the kids to another part of the house and plays a quiet game with them without making a big deal about the fact that he's doing me a favor.
It's the way I've learned to stop throwing a fit when he's two hours late because that's just how late he's going to be pretty much every time, and instead ask if he had a good time.
It's how he, even thought he sleeps later than me about 95% of the time, gets the coffee maker all ready before he goes to bed so it's one less thing I have to do while getting three kids ready for school in the morning.
It's making his favorite meal instead of the kids' favorites.
It's taking a few minutes away from chatting with the girls at a party to sit next to each other and hold hands.
It's stopping at the bar to see him and his buddies and hear about how they played in their "big game," when all I want to do is go home and curl up in bed with my book and fuzzy socks.
It's to sitting together to watch a movie (or browse the Internet on our laptops while sitting on the couch next to each other) instead of falling into bed like feel like doing while he watches it alone.
So, maybe that really is the commitment we made in those vows, and I'm just now figuring out what they really meant. They said, "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, as long as we shall live." But it also means in crankiness and joy, in loneliness and connectedness, in youth and old age, when surrounded by chaos and amidst the calm. It means, not just fidelity, but choosing each other over the kids or friends or work or personal interests. It means choosing to move closer instead of away every chance we get.
So, I often wonder what it is that keeps those couples who I think should be teetering on the brink of divorce together, and what keeps those who suffer pain, or just indifference or frustration or loneliness, in secret from throwing in the matrimonial towel. Of course, there's the kids. Some of us have school age kids now, but a whole load of our friends are still on the exhausted, confused, never-ending, no light/only tunnel baby-toddler train. While you are amazed every single day that your heart can feel such love for these tiny beings that didn't even exist a couple years ago, you also wonder if you can really live your whole life like this--no sleep, no free time, no relaxing, no sex, no meaningful conversation, no intimacy with your spouse. Was that just me? Well, it might not have been you, but I know it wasn't just me. There's a whole bunch of us out there.
So, some of it is the kids. Some people stay together for the kids, to give them the image we have in our head of a family, but also because if parenting with a partner so hard, we wonder how could we possibly do it on our own. But it's not just the kids. Some stay together out of our fear of failing. How could I tell my friends and my parents and my children that I have failed at this most basic, most important role of adulthood? Some stay because the thought of being alone is even worse than the thought of being how we are even if that isn't very good. Some stay because two households are more expensive than one, not to mention lawyers and child support and such.
I think many of us stay simply out of commitment. And I don't just mean the vows we said--we promised to always stay together no matter what, and that's what we're going to do even if we're miserable doing it. No, that's not what I'm talking about. Commitment to me means making choices every day to love each other and move toward one another instead of away.
It's the way, when I am feeling completely unlovable and uninterested in talking, touching or being near anyone, my husband says the goofiest thing he can think of to make me smile anyway.
It's the way, when even that doesn't work, he takes the kids to another part of the house and plays a quiet game with them without making a big deal about the fact that he's doing me a favor.
It's the way I've learned to stop throwing a fit when he's two hours late because that's just how late he's going to be pretty much every time, and instead ask if he had a good time.
It's how he, even thought he sleeps later than me about 95% of the time, gets the coffee maker all ready before he goes to bed so it's one less thing I have to do while getting three kids ready for school in the morning.
It's making his favorite meal instead of the kids' favorites.
It's taking a few minutes away from chatting with the girls at a party to sit next to each other and hold hands.
It's stopping at the bar to see him and his buddies and hear about how they played in their "big game," when all I want to do is go home and curl up in bed with my book and fuzzy socks.
It's to sitting together to watch a movie (or browse the Internet on our laptops while sitting on the couch next to each other) instead of falling into bed like feel like doing while he watches it alone.
So, maybe that really is the commitment we made in those vows, and I'm just now figuring out what they really meant. They said, "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, as long as we shall live." But it also means in crankiness and joy, in loneliness and connectedness, in youth and old age, when surrounded by chaos and amidst the calm. It means, not just fidelity, but choosing each other over the kids or friends or work or personal interests. It means choosing to move closer instead of away every chance we get.
Very nice. As one of those people that didn't quite make it, I applaud you. Staying together is a hell of a lot harder than giving up...sometimes I regret that I took the easy path.
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