Confused Mom's Guide to Surviving Halloween

It's Halloween. There will be no meal plan today. Enough said.

I did spend a whole lotta time this weekend doing some big batch cooking for the freezer, including enough Skyline to last us until Christmas, several pounds of meatballs, some yummy steamed Asian dumplings with shrimp and pork for both my mom and us, and a giant vat of cauliflower soup.  So, we're not going to starve this week. Just whatever happens to call out to me when I open the refrigerator is what it will be.

Plus, this weekend was Halloween Eve and Halloween Eve Eve and Halloween Eve Eve Eve. You get the idea. So there were parties, festivals, last minute costume touch-ups, even later-minute costume repairs, baking, goodie bag making, school party preparations, and much excitement, anticipation and sugar-loading. I will neither confirm nor deny which of these activities were my idea. It is irrelevant whose idea they were since just because one has an idea weeks and weeks before Halloween does not determine how much one will enjoy that activity when the day actually arrives.

So here is my Official Confused Mom's Guide to Halloween. Probably too late to help anyone out this year, but next year please remember to THINK before your volunteer.

1. DO NOT MAKE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES. I always make my kids' Halloween costumes. It's this weird obsession I have. Probably some psychosis my mother saddled me with during my childhood. Every year, the kids tell me what they want to be, and I start planning. It always seems simple enough in August. In September. Even on October 8th. I mean seriously, how hard could it be to paint a box silver, cut some holes in it, paint on a few buttons and call yourself a robot? That is until your eight-year-old informs you that his robot will have buttons that you can push and a speaker that he can talk into that makes him sound like a real robot. What do you mean, you can't do that MOM??? Tears, pouting, sulking. Not what I call Halloween spirit. 
2. DO NOT VOLUNTEER TO BE ROOM MOM. Those PTA people always make room mom sound like such as easy job. "You will have a helper for each party and several people who are happy to send in all the supplies you will need so you don't have to actually do anything--just call and coordinate everyone and show up at the party." That is until you have eight moms calling your house campaigning to be the one picked to come to the party as your helper so they can see their little darling dressed up in his Spider Man costume along with seven other mini-Spider Men plus fifteen more sugar-hyped kindergartners. Oh, and those lovely people whose volunteer form said they'd be happy to send things for the party, even the one who dotted her "i"s with a smiley face, growl at you over the phone, "Well, how many do you need?" and sigh, "I guess I can do that," when you tell her you will need 24 Capri Suns please.
3. DO NOT MAKE GOODIE BAGS. I know they are cute. I know it is fun to buy candy so you can have the leftovers all for yourself. I know those glow-in-the-dark skull rings are only a buck for 48 at the dollar store and are just so darn irresistible. But the other moms want to do the same thing with all that crap that you do--toss it in the trash. So don't waste your money, time, or gas. 
4. TAKE A BEVERAGE. An insulated travel coffee mug filled with coffee looks exactly like an insulated travel coffee mug filled with hot cider and rum. Or hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps. Or orange juice and vodka. Who's ready for trick-or-treating now? I AM! I AM!!!
5. HAVE A CANDY STORAGE/DISPOSAL/HIDING/DISTRIBUTION plan. Most likely your kids are going to get enough candy to feed a small country for weeks. Mine would not only get sick from eating that much candy, but actually get bored with it waaaaaaaay before it's all gone. So once they have basked in the awesomeness of their haul for a while and had a few pieces, I ask them to pick out their favorite 24 pieces (or however many days it is until Thanksgiving). We put those in a brown lunch bag or ziplock with their name on it, and they get one piece a day until Thanksgiving. The rest I use for.....uh, something else. Yeah.
6. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR COSTUME LYING AROUND. Of course, I say this 78 times to my children before the big day arrives because they like to wear it around, showing everyone who will look how cool their costume is. Leave it lying on the floor and eventually, some part of it will get broken, torn or otherwise damaged. The mom who just made that costume is not going to be happy. More importantly, I am talking about YOUR costume, Mom. Say for example, you peeled your snazzy fake eyelashes off while on your way home from a party and left them stuck on the dashboard of your mom van, you might mistake them for a family of spiders taking up residence in your mom van when you get in it the next morning. You might then pee your pants in fright and in your attempt to escape their viciousness. But only if you are scared of spiders. And haven't had your coffee yet and so cannot tell the difference between spiders and fake eyelashes. And have given birth to three or more children. Just maybe. 
7. DO NOT COOK DINNER. Plan to trick-or-treat with friends, whose house you can hang out at before beggar's night begins so that your friend can make dinner for your kids while you sit quietly in the corner, drinking from your insulated coffee mug, trying to recover from repairing costumes, being room mom and making all those goodie bags.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!